Home

One day I would like to conduct some research into how people feel about where they are from. Where is home? What do they like about it? What do they not like? Why do they stay? Why do they leave?

A benefit of my studies at Concordia is meeting people from many different places: Newfoundland, Germany, France, Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, etc. Most people, to varying degrees, have an attachment to their place of origin. Often, you can simply see it in their eyes when they discuss it. The enthusiasm and feeling of pride in describing the place.

Me, I become rather emotionally on edge when I must talk about where I am from. I find myself intermittently becoming angry or defensive. Or just laughing in a way that attempts to make light of past hurt.

For one, I am not even sure how to say where I am from anymore. I can say, Edmonton Alberta, but then people go, yes, but where are you REALLY from? Then I will say England. But what am I supposed to say about England? Its influence on me becomes increasingly irrelevant with time. I do not feel English.

I do not feel Albertan. Never did.

I certainly feel Canadian. I made a conscious choice to obtain my citizenship because I do feel an attachment to the country.

But then, beyond that, what does one say? I am reluctant to speak of England as if I were speaking FOR the English, or to speak of Alberta or Edmonton on behalf of those who live there. It is unfair to do so. If I speak negatively of Edmonton I try to explain that this is only my personal impression. For many people, Edmonton must be THE place to be. Right now.

I suppose I must admit to a bit of jealousy towards those who would willingly "go home" after their time in Montreal. Because for me, that just does not seem like an option. It would feel like defeat. It is not home. It never became home. I already feel more attachment and pride in Montreal than I ever felt in Edmonton.

And I take comfort that I am not alone in this. I have two good friends who are ex-Edmontonians. Talking of Edmonton reduces us to rage or other forms of emotional distress. It is as if the city has scarred us. It is very odd. I don't know of any people so adversely affected by their "home" town. How did this happen?

Montreal is grey and gloomy right now -- has been for days. Still I love it, I love it, I cannot get enough of it. I looked at my circle of new friends yesterday gathered together and thought "I wish this could continue forever. All of us in Montreal until we get old."

I felt sentimental and went home. I missed my girlfriend intensely. If she were here, life would be perfect.